...or rather, I'l never GET to celebrate New Year. so far, my New Years have gone like this:
2004: too small, just finished O'levels. at home... or where WAS I? yeah... prolly at home. where else would I be?
2005: was supposed to go with Bing to Sarawak but my mom made me come home for holidays. bought a ticket to the disco at kuda bandos (yayy my first ever New Year celebration!!) and waited patiently in line for more than an hour... by the time it was 11.30 PM I decided I didnt wana be on a boat when the countdown hit, so I refunded me and my friends' tickets, and went to this lame ass party and danced for like 15 mins, went on a car ride crammed with 8 or 9 of us and came home around 1 AM.
2006: was deported to Haa Alif. my parents left to India, I was ecstatic, made plans for a massive party at home but left my sis in charge, who is to be blamed for this hurtful act. how bored was I? erm... i don't know how to tell you...
2007: resort music, didnt even get paid well. bummer
2008: resort music, didnt get paid well and more over, was sent back to male' around 1.30 AM, after we finished the gig that is. they were like, the ferry's ready so you guys can pack up and leave whenever you're ready. damn... that was THE WORST experience ever! and all of my friends were going nuts on a desert island with the stereo blastin away with every awesome dance song imaginable! i know cos i heard it when i called em to share the bad news.
2009: yet again... resort music. and i feel sad cos all of my girlfriends are leavin to lanka on 30th. *BIG FAT SIGH*... ugh...
2010: I am definitely going somewhere, and not to a resort with a band. this is gonna be my new year resolution: to FRIGGIN CELEBRATE THE NEXT NEW YEAR hard enuf to.. to.. i shud get better at this. i shud.. considerin how much my friends pick on me. anyway, you get the idea. i'm off to moop and mope and sulk. well, to watch Scrubs which i find incredibly hilarious.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
My Capricorn
Just A Dream
I can't tie a string to the moon or the stars,
And bring them down for you
To cover you in moonshine,
or bathe with you in the glow of those are...
Just a dream that is too far away,
A dream that I’m trying to reach.
I could be your deity or your mermaid, or your princess,
or I could even be your damsel in distress
Sadly there are no more pearls for me on the ocean's dance floor,
I've granted my wishes for which I now lament.
A bit of fairy dust, a sigh of wind that might just
Blow us away into another realm
To sing and dance to count the drops,
To love and lust and hear my heart almost stop
To getting down on my knees
To breathe and live and finally be so free
Whenever you smile
Whenever you laugh
Whenever you are near
To love you with every millionth of my heart, I'd gladly do
To be in love with you with every inch open wide, I would
I could
This year in short, has been quite eventful. This year brought me back to the person I was almost 6 years ago, but better, like a newer model of some gadget. 6 years is way too long to have been groping for an answer, to have been stripped down bare of all my energy and used like a battery to fuel everyone else. To have been mocked and ridiculed – yes I know you were pointing fingers at me and I saw the sneering – I’m not blind you see. But I remained your friend didn’t I?
This year really has been one of the best in my life so far. The best actually… I am grateful for my Capricorn who cured me and healed me and put a band-aid on my wound. You are the only one who saw the inflictions and vowed to put an end to it, and you did. Everything is so complete, unadulterated and pure, and finally my mind is at peace.
This isn’t just a dream for me anymore, I’m not hopelessly trying to reach with outstretched arms anymore… Thank you for making it a reality for me. And not another hope burnt to ashes.
I can't tie a string to the moon or the stars,
And bring them down for you
To cover you in moonshine,
or bathe with you in the glow of those are...
Just a dream that is too far away,
A dream that I’m trying to reach.
I could be your deity or your mermaid, or your princess,
or I could even be your damsel in distress
Sadly there are no more pearls for me on the ocean's dance floor,
I've granted my wishes for which I now lament.
A bit of fairy dust, a sigh of wind that might just
Blow us away into another realm
To sing and dance to count the drops,
To love and lust and hear my heart almost stop
To getting down on my knees
To breathe and live and finally be so free
Whenever you smile
Whenever you laugh
Whenever you are near
To love you with every millionth of my heart, I'd gladly do
To be in love with you with every inch open wide, I would
I could
This year in short, has been quite eventful. This year brought me back to the person I was almost 6 years ago, but better, like a newer model of some gadget. 6 years is way too long to have been groping for an answer, to have been stripped down bare of all my energy and used like a battery to fuel everyone else. To have been mocked and ridiculed – yes I know you were pointing fingers at me and I saw the sneering – I’m not blind you see. But I remained your friend didn’t I?
This year really has been one of the best in my life so far. The best actually… I am grateful for my Capricorn who cured me and healed me and put a band-aid on my wound. You are the only one who saw the inflictions and vowed to put an end to it, and you did. Everything is so complete, unadulterated and pure, and finally my mind is at peace.
This isn’t just a dream for me anymore, I’m not hopelessly trying to reach with outstretched arms anymore… Thank you for making it a reality for me. And not another hope burnt to ashes.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Solitary Solitaire II
Continuation from my previous note "Solitary Solitaire", hence, this is part II.
I actually wrote that to write about being a very lonesome individual, be it by being forced or because he or she wants to be disconnected. I also wrote that to express my frustrations of feeling very isolated, even in the most crowded of places. I could be surrounded by all of my friends and yet, feel a continuous gnawing inside that would remind me over and over again of how much I felt alone and apart from the rest of the world.
The need for human contact, for the social scene, burned so deep that it created a hole which never properly healed. I was never alone for a long time, I almost never had alone-time. I didn't understand the importance of the latter, couldn't stand to be in an empty room. I needed someone by me, no matter what I did.
Being forced to be lonesome is tragic. It is a cruel act of one or more persons, and no one should be subjected to this. I cannot even begin to describe the level of negative impact this has on a person, both physically and more importantly, mentally. The mind wanders in a million ways; it ponders incessantly, plays mind games both consciously and subconsciously, questions things which will or may never be answered.
When I say the mind plays games, subconsciously, it can lead the person to believe untrue conclusions as to how and why the individual may have been forced to such circumstances.
I was once forced, I lost all my friends and nobody would speak to me. I had just turned 13, couldn't understand what my body was going through, my family was one big hysteria episode, the boy I had a crush on and spent ages on the phone asked another girl out, my sister was abroad and I had no idea when she was coming back and I was blamed for countless things I hadn't done. I thought the world had seriously taken a massive dump on me. I felt so alienated. I felt lifeless. I lost the will to live, but I had no guts to commit suicide and I guess that's actually being brave; by not killing myself, I was forcing myself to continue, tackle life's challenges and move on forward. And I am thankful for not having taken my life, because then I would not have been alive to witness and experience the beauty and everything that has happened to me since then.
My turning point came when one classmate came up to me and uttered these simple, beautiful words, “My mom said we shouldn't stay without speaking, so I will be your friend from now on. I'm not going to be angry with you anymore.” I cannot write all that I went through and all that I felt back then, for then I would have to write so much more, but I'll tell you that I was quite depressed. For a long time all I ever had were lows, it seemed that my highs would never come. And it was when she said those words, that I felt a weight shift and I had a shred of hope to survive. She had lent a hand when nobody else cared to, and she probably doesn't know this, or the extent of her small gesture but to me, it wasn't a small gesture, it was huge.
I was an introvert, and even now to some extent I am, and maybe that is the reason why people feel it's okay to take out their frustrations on me, they know I will absorb it like a helpless sponge. A person might be going through various emotions; misery, unhappiness, anger, sadness or some level of depression; but there is no justification regardless whatever their reason is, to vent their disappointment on anyone else; this is purely not right. Which brings me to tell you that I strongly believe in the following saying:
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Regarding the conscious part of the mind playing games, that is altogether a different story, that which is carried out by people who only take the advantage of others. I have no interest in writing about that as for now, because I, too, have been manipulated by someone who had not a single good intention. For a prolonged period of time, it didn't even occur to me that I had become a stranger to myself and others around me. When friends said I've changed, I simply thought they were being ridiculous. But I see now the person I was before, for about 3 years and that is a long time to have been different.
Going back to the first paragraph, I wrote “...be it by being forced or because he or she wants to be disconnected.” Being a loner by will, I guess the person is just a solitary person, who does not engage in worldy and material things, who basks in the warmth of themselves and not need the everyday social life for them to feel complete. I think they just might be the happiest of us.
After I started writing this, I have branched out into my own stories, so now I'm going to go back to what I was saying before; how alone I felt. And I know now that this was merely because I couldn't find anyone who understood me properly, or actually took the time out to talk and relieve all the internal conflicts that were happening. Sure I had my friends, and they are the best friends I could ever ask for, and sure I had my sister whom I always talked to, but I just needed someone to blurt out everything to. And I have, and no longer do I carry around a weight that seemed to be the weight of a thousand men, and no longer do I feel alone. My mind has been cleared up and washed free of the guilt and the burdens I had carried around, and I have found what it is to spend some time alone and not crave for social contact.
I am still a Solitary Solitaire, but this time I am happy.
I actually wrote that to write about being a very lonesome individual, be it by being forced or because he or she wants to be disconnected. I also wrote that to express my frustrations of feeling very isolated, even in the most crowded of places. I could be surrounded by all of my friends and yet, feel a continuous gnawing inside that would remind me over and over again of how much I felt alone and apart from the rest of the world.
The need for human contact, for the social scene, burned so deep that it created a hole which never properly healed. I was never alone for a long time, I almost never had alone-time. I didn't understand the importance of the latter, couldn't stand to be in an empty room. I needed someone by me, no matter what I did.
Being forced to be lonesome is tragic. It is a cruel act of one or more persons, and no one should be subjected to this. I cannot even begin to describe the level of negative impact this has on a person, both physically and more importantly, mentally. The mind wanders in a million ways; it ponders incessantly, plays mind games both consciously and subconsciously, questions things which will or may never be answered.
When I say the mind plays games, subconsciously, it can lead the person to believe untrue conclusions as to how and why the individual may have been forced to such circumstances.
I was once forced, I lost all my friends and nobody would speak to me. I had just turned 13, couldn't understand what my body was going through, my family was one big hysteria episode, the boy I had a crush on and spent ages on the phone asked another girl out, my sister was abroad and I had no idea when she was coming back and I was blamed for countless things I hadn't done. I thought the world had seriously taken a massive dump on me. I felt so alienated. I felt lifeless. I lost the will to live, but I had no guts to commit suicide and I guess that's actually being brave; by not killing myself, I was forcing myself to continue, tackle life's challenges and move on forward. And I am thankful for not having taken my life, because then I would not have been alive to witness and experience the beauty and everything that has happened to me since then.
My turning point came when one classmate came up to me and uttered these simple, beautiful words, “My mom said we shouldn't stay without speaking, so I will be your friend from now on. I'm not going to be angry with you anymore.” I cannot write all that I went through and all that I felt back then, for then I would have to write so much more, but I'll tell you that I was quite depressed. For a long time all I ever had were lows, it seemed that my highs would never come. And it was when she said those words, that I felt a weight shift and I had a shred of hope to survive. She had lent a hand when nobody else cared to, and she probably doesn't know this, or the extent of her small gesture but to me, it wasn't a small gesture, it was huge.
I was an introvert, and even now to some extent I am, and maybe that is the reason why people feel it's okay to take out their frustrations on me, they know I will absorb it like a helpless sponge. A person might be going through various emotions; misery, unhappiness, anger, sadness or some level of depression; but there is no justification regardless whatever their reason is, to vent their disappointment on anyone else; this is purely not right. Which brings me to tell you that I strongly believe in the following saying:
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Regarding the conscious part of the mind playing games, that is altogether a different story, that which is carried out by people who only take the advantage of others. I have no interest in writing about that as for now, because I, too, have been manipulated by someone who had not a single good intention. For a prolonged period of time, it didn't even occur to me that I had become a stranger to myself and others around me. When friends said I've changed, I simply thought they were being ridiculous. But I see now the person I was before, for about 3 years and that is a long time to have been different.
Going back to the first paragraph, I wrote “...be it by being forced or because he or she wants to be disconnected.” Being a loner by will, I guess the person is just a solitary person, who does not engage in worldy and material things, who basks in the warmth of themselves and not need the everyday social life for them to feel complete. I think they just might be the happiest of us.
After I started writing this, I have branched out into my own stories, so now I'm going to go back to what I was saying before; how alone I felt. And I know now that this was merely because I couldn't find anyone who understood me properly, or actually took the time out to talk and relieve all the internal conflicts that were happening. Sure I had my friends, and they are the best friends I could ever ask for, and sure I had my sister whom I always talked to, but I just needed someone to blurt out everything to. And I have, and no longer do I carry around a weight that seemed to be the weight of a thousand men, and no longer do I feel alone. My mind has been cleared up and washed free of the guilt and the burdens I had carried around, and I have found what it is to spend some time alone and not crave for social contact.
I am still a Solitary Solitaire, but this time I am happy.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
The O.K. State
Stupid notes people write making me feel ill. Things people do piss me off. Unnecessary wall posts.. Just to get attention. Just to make a point. Just to boost their ego. And worst of all, people who are stupid. When did I become this bitter, I ask myself?
Before I go any further let me put down the meaning of the word 'stupid', since I seem to use it rather often.
Definition of 'stupid' : stubborn. narrow minded. hypocrite. People with no reason for being alive. [the latter is cruel, yes, but I just needed to write that.]
NOTE : i wrote this ages ago... its been in my drafts all this time and i thought i might as well just delete or publish the post, and then i thought i'd go for the latter one. so here goes.
1. Crocodile leather.
Forgive me for being bitter. Cold. Callous. People think I'm bubbly, cheerful and giggly. Sure I'm all of that but not 24/7, that would be just insane. But then I have my really detached side. Sometimes I let that side take over.. I guess everyone has days like those.
2. Strange. Eccentric. Weird?
Forgive me for wanting to do things outside the "norm". But hey, who would you classify as a normal person? Someone who functions like a pet? Or better/worse, a pet who performs chores? [I didn't know what to pick from better and worse]. What kinda job do you classify as normal? Wearing a suit and tie or in my case, some kinda formal clothing and sitting at a desk 8 hrs a day?
3. Sex. Not intercourse - gender.
Oho! I hate being a girl. The things I'm deprived of. The things that I do and people feel I should be deprived of. Well not deprived exactly but they just wish I wouldn't do. What is their problem? Wouldn't they be happy to see me happy? Am I not allowed to indulge in my freedom? So it shouldn't be called freedom anymore. More like "depressdom". And no its not a real word. And speaking of the heading of this paragraph, we don't ask to be brought to this world. And because of this, don't you think we deserve to be given a chance to choose our preferred sex?
4. Pursuit for happiness. Lost cause.
It's either you get it or you don't. There's no in between. You think there's a middle but, unfortunately, there isn't. And if u think 'content' means being happy with what you have [and not wishing for more], it actually means being satisfied in a limited way. Therefore, you pine for something. You long for that which is missing. You want that void to be filled. I guess that is the middle after all. I'm going to name it "The O.K. State".
You can run for it, fight for it, plead and beg for it, but happiness doesn't give out passes that easily to watch it shine in all its glory. Gotta be damn lucky I'd say. But it all comes with a price too.
'Fine' is a word used frequently. Is a word abused, more likely. And with this I shall end this note.
Sure this may not be so note-like. More are coming up though, entirely for your viewing and reading pleasure.
Before I go any further let me put down the meaning of the word 'stupid', since I seem to use it rather often.
Definition of 'stupid' : stubborn. narrow minded. hypocrite. People with no reason for being alive. [the latter is cruel, yes, but I just needed to write that.]
NOTE : i wrote this ages ago... its been in my drafts all this time and i thought i might as well just delete or publish the post, and then i thought i'd go for the latter one. so here goes.
1. Crocodile leather.
Forgive me for being bitter. Cold. Callous. People think I'm bubbly, cheerful and giggly. Sure I'm all of that but not 24/7, that would be just insane. But then I have my really detached side. Sometimes I let that side take over.. I guess everyone has days like those.
2. Strange. Eccentric. Weird?
Forgive me for wanting to do things outside the "norm". But hey, who would you classify as a normal person? Someone who functions like a pet? Or better/worse, a pet who performs chores? [I didn't know what to pick from better and worse]. What kinda job do you classify as normal? Wearing a suit and tie or in my case, some kinda formal clothing and sitting at a desk 8 hrs a day?
3. Sex. Not intercourse - gender.
Oho! I hate being a girl. The things I'm deprived of. The things that I do and people feel I should be deprived of. Well not deprived exactly but they just wish I wouldn't do. What is their problem? Wouldn't they be happy to see me happy? Am I not allowed to indulge in my freedom? So it shouldn't be called freedom anymore. More like "depressdom". And no its not a real word. And speaking of the heading of this paragraph, we don't ask to be brought to this world. And because of this, don't you think we deserve to be given a chance to choose our preferred sex?
4. Pursuit for happiness. Lost cause.
It's either you get it or you don't. There's no in between. You think there's a middle but, unfortunately, there isn't. And if u think 'content' means being happy with what you have [and not wishing for more], it actually means being satisfied in a limited way. Therefore, you pine for something. You long for that which is missing. You want that void to be filled. I guess that is the middle after all. I'm going to name it "The O.K. State".
You can run for it, fight for it, plead and beg for it, but happiness doesn't give out passes that easily to watch it shine in all its glory. Gotta be damn lucky I'd say. But it all comes with a price too.
'Fine' is a word used frequently. Is a word abused, more likely. And with this I shall end this note.
Sure this may not be so note-like. More are coming up though, entirely for your viewing and reading pleasure.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Solitary Solitaire
Definition of Solitaire:
1. (n.) A single diamond in a setting; also, sometimes, a precious stone of any kind set alone.
2. (n.) Any species of American thrushlike birds of the genus Myadestes. They are noted their sweet songs and retiring habits. Called also fly-catching thrush. A West Indian species (Myadestes sibilans) is called the invisible bird.
3. (n.) A person who lives in solitude; a recluse; a hermit.
4. (n.) A game which one person can play alone; -- applied to many games of cards, etc.; also, to a game played on a board with pegs or balls, in which the object is, beginning with all the places filled except one, to remove all but one of the pieces by "jumping," as in draughts.
5. (n.) A large extinct bird (Pezophaps solitaria) which formerly inhabited the islands of Mauritius and Rodrigeuz. It was larger and taller than the wild turkey. Its wings were too small for flight. Called also solitary.
Quite interesting as how there are two types of birds also named solitaire. They must have lived lone lives. Obviously with their lonely partner - or partners.. threesome?
Sure it gets tiring wen all you have is your 10 hrs-a-week-job, too many demanding friends, only coffees or bike rides to while away your time. I'm trying to learn to cook new stuff now besides pasta/spaghetti/noodles/various types of omelets. And new desserts too.. I only know biscuit pudding and French toast. I once tried to make a blueberry cheesecake and it tasted so bad but still my family ate half of it to make me happy. Like I am only 3 years old.
It's frustrating when loneliness eats you up. To put on your happy face but it's not your face anymore, its just a mask. And when nothin, anybody does to please you, actually pleases you. When pessimism and paranoia eats you up. When it all feels like a crazy circus that you're stuck in and you can't get out of, and the clowns keep dancing around till your head is spinning and you're convinced that you really are going crazy.
SO. what do you do?
This is probably part 1. if there's a part 2, I'll post it titled Solitary Soitaire II.
1. (n.) A single diamond in a setting; also, sometimes, a precious stone of any kind set alone.
2. (n.) Any species of American thrushlike birds of the genus Myadestes. They are noted their sweet songs and retiring habits. Called also fly-catching thrush. A West Indian species (Myadestes sibilans) is called the invisible bird.
3. (n.) A person who lives in solitude; a recluse; a hermit.
4. (n.) A game which one person can play alone; -- applied to many games of cards, etc.; also, to a game played on a board with pegs or balls, in which the object is, beginning with all the places filled except one, to remove all but one of the pieces by "jumping," as in draughts.
5. (n.) A large extinct bird (Pezophaps solitaria) which formerly inhabited the islands of Mauritius and Rodrigeuz. It was larger and taller than the wild turkey. Its wings were too small for flight. Called also solitary.
Quite interesting as how there are two types of birds also named solitaire. They must have lived lone lives. Obviously with their lonely partner - or partners.. threesome?
Sure it gets tiring wen all you have is your 10 hrs-a-week-job, too many demanding friends, only coffees or bike rides to while away your time. I'm trying to learn to cook new stuff now besides pasta/spaghetti/noodles/various types of omelets. And new desserts too.. I only know biscuit pudding and French toast. I once tried to make a blueberry cheesecake and it tasted so bad but still my family ate half of it to make me happy. Like I am only 3 years old.
It's frustrating when loneliness eats you up. To put on your happy face but it's not your face anymore, its just a mask. And when nothin, anybody does to please you, actually pleases you. When pessimism and paranoia eats you up. When it all feels like a crazy circus that you're stuck in and you can't get out of, and the clowns keep dancing around till your head is spinning and you're convinced that you really are going crazy.
SO. what do you do?
This is probably part 1. if there's a part 2, I'll post it titled Solitary Soitaire II.
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