Solitary Solitaire II

Continuation from my previous note "Solitary Solitaire", hence, this is part II.

I actually wrote that to write about being a very lonesome individual, be it by being forced or because he or she wants to be disconnected. I also wrote that to express my frustrations of feeling very isolated, even in the most crowded of places. I could be surrounded by all of my friends and yet, feel a continuous gnawing inside that would remind me over and over again of how much I felt alone and apart from the rest of the world.

The need for human contact, for the social scene, burned so deep that it created a hole which never properly healed. I was never alone for a long time, I almost never had alone-time. I didn't understand the importance of the latter, couldn't stand to be in an empty room. I needed someone by me, no matter what I did.

Being forced to be lonesome is tragic. It is a cruel act of one or more persons, and no one should be subjected to this. I cannot even begin to describe the level of negative impact this has on a person, both physically and more importantly, mentally. The mind wanders in a million ways; it ponders incessantly, plays mind games both consciously and subconsciously, questions things which will or may never be answered.

When I say the mind plays games, subconsciously, it can lead the person to believe untrue conclusions as to how and why the individual may have been forced to such circumstances.

I was once forced, I lost all my friends and nobody would speak to me. I had just turned 13, couldn't understand what my body was going through, my family was one big hysteria episode, the boy I had a crush on and spent ages on the phone asked another girl out, my sister was abroad and I had no idea when she was coming back and I was blamed for countless things I hadn't done. I thought the world had seriously taken a massive dump on me. I felt so alienated. I felt lifeless. I lost the will to live, but I had no guts to commit suicide and I guess that's actually being brave; by not killing myself, I was forcing myself to continue, tackle life's challenges and move on forward. And I am thankful for not having taken my life, because then I would not have been alive to witness and experience the beauty and everything that has happened to me since then.

My turning point came when one classmate came up to me and uttered these simple, beautiful words, “My mom said we shouldn't stay without speaking, so I will be your friend from now on. I'm not going to be angry with you anymore.” I cannot write all that I went through and all that I felt back then, for then I would have to write so much more, but I'll tell you that I was quite depressed. For a long time all I ever had were lows, it seemed that my highs would never come. And it was when she said those words, that I felt a weight shift and I had a shred of hope to survive. She had lent a hand when nobody else cared to, and she probably doesn't know this, or the extent of her small gesture but to me, it wasn't a small gesture, it was huge.

I was an introvert, and even now to some extent I am, and maybe that is the reason why people feel it's okay to take out their frustrations on me, they know I will absorb it like a helpless sponge. A person might be going through various emotions; misery, unhappiness, anger, sadness or some level of depression; but there is no justification regardless whatever their reason is, to vent their disappointment on anyone else; this is purely not right. Which brings me to tell you that I strongly believe in the following saying:
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Regarding the conscious part of the mind playing games, that is altogether a different story, that which is carried out by people who only take the advantage of others. I have no interest in writing about that as for now, because I, too, have been manipulated by someone who had not a single good intention. For a prolonged period of time, it didn't even occur to me that I had become a stranger to myself and others around me. When friends said I've changed, I simply thought they were being ridiculous. But I see now the person I was before, for about 3 years and that is a long time to have been different.

Going back to the first paragraph, I wrote “...be it by being forced or because he or she wants to be disconnected.” Being a loner by will, I guess the person is just a solitary person, who does not engage in worldy and material things, who basks in the warmth of themselves and not need the everyday social life for them to feel complete. I think they just might be the happiest of us.

After I started writing this, I have branched out into my own stories, so now I'm going to go back to what I was saying before; how alone I felt. And I know now that this was merely because I couldn't find anyone who understood me properly, or actually took the time out to talk and relieve all the internal conflicts that were happening. Sure I had my friends, and they are the best friends I could ever ask for, and sure I had my sister whom I always talked to, but I just needed someone to blurt out everything to. And I have, and no longer do I carry around a weight that seemed to be the weight of a thousand men, and no longer do I feel alone. My mind has been cleared up and washed free of the guilt and the burdens I had carried around, and I have found what it is to spend some time alone and not crave for social contact.

I am still a Solitary Solitaire, but this time I am happy.